Craigslist- the intangible edition

As promised, I picking on other places than my hometown today. Actually just one person with some magically funny listings, living in a rural, hilly area, that happens to be in my home state.
I swear on everything sacred that I did not make these up. I copied the text from the listings in red.

Can't touch this

The listing for this table made me laugh out loud.

This is rather new table, by new I mean made by modern means of particle board and such. It is in decent shape. It has three tables with it that are all in rough shape. They could be stained if you wanted them to go back to being nice. It would make a great intangible table.

WTF is an intangible table?

The listing reads:

This is an antique wood desk. It even has the place where the liquid ink would go so that someone could dip their quill pen in the ink so as to write

Just in case you want to tell Ma and Pa about the injuns you saw on the way home from coon huntin'

I am not making this next part up either!

This is a listing by the same person for a "retro recliner"

 This is a retro recliner in good condition. It is yellow, with an orange-ish brown color. Very retro. I don't bargain.  

Stain. He meant to say "stain" after "orange-ish brown color" but there was a critter making a racket out back and he got all flustered.

Same guy...again.

A portion of the listing for the $100/never cleaned ever once sofa, reads:

  It is a little dusty and has some dog hair that could easily be removed.

I see no damage to the recliner other than smelling like smoke from a wood stove and being dusty.

Smoky Green recliner... a fragrance for... uh...folks and furniture.

I don't know. I am just shaking my head at this crazy old coot selling the filthy contents of his house.

How do I know he is a he?

He also claims in yet another listing that he is gettin' hitched and his fiance already has her own gross stuff a dining set.

Each ad ends with "I don't bargain". I guess it is pretty obvious that cleaning is frowned upon also.
Bless his heart!

Hillbillies are hilarious.