Let's have a chuckle, shall we?

Last week Linda and I were emailing back and forth about her thorn stripping tool and I mentioned having worked for a florist. She said she "would love to see"  a post on how to arrange flowers. Well if you followed the One Room Challenge, you may have noted that Linda gets what Linda wants. I did not dare tell the Queen of the ORC that I did not feel like it.

So I shirked my responsibilties, like vacuuming dog hair, and went to the store to buy flowers.

You must realize that my house gets really dirty and messy...fast! There are five people living here and four of them are slobs. The other one is only three so she can't be blamed. 

But Linda wants to see flowers!!!

I laid out everything with plans to instruct in a way that would make Martha proud. I could not buy just greens so I planned to use the ugly flowers filler from the mixed bouquet instead.

In the first photo there was a roll of green floral tape. It was the wrong kind. I planned to tell you that cellophane tape was better since it was less visible and take the tape off anyway. You see, Ms. I-worked- for-a-florist-in-1994 does not use such amateur tricks.

Here I am pretending to cut off thorns with a knife. You will see in further photos that I did not cut off a single thorn. 

Here is the vintage floral frog  that I was going to tell you to use in shallow containers like this dandy gravy boat.

"You just cross the stems of the shorter, peripheral flowers and they will support themselves in lovely fashion" was the planned caption.

Next I was going to tell you that taller, central flowers could be added and then simply fill in with greenery.

What the....? I had the house to myself and swearing like a sailor felt good, don't judge. 

The magic of blogs made it easy for me to pretend that I did not actually intend to use the clear vase. It was only for the purpose of showing you (the amateur) how to place the flowers like an expert. I grabbed a white vase and started over, choosing a calmer palette.

More swearing after I cut too much off the stems and ended up with this goofy arrangement.

I chalk it up to dirty house kharma. I told Linda that "My washer is full and my dryer is full, dog hair everywhere, a few crumbs, and not a single bed made in the house." I was afraid to tell her that the dishes in the dishwasher were clean and the sink was full of dirty ones. She might think I am lazy.

Sorry Linda, 1994 was a looooong time ago as proven in my arrangements.

My expert advice: Just shove them in a vase and and pick those clothes up off the floor.